search the site...
the magazine
archives: may 2010
reality...
archives: may 2010
you've lost that loving feeling
by sarah francis
Much of what we do in life seems to go through three stages: romance, disillusionment and joy.
For example, you pack your bags for uni, settle into your first parent free pad and spend your first term intoxicated by new friends and newfound freedom. That's romance. Then classes begin, assignments are received, books are cracked, late nights of Pro Plus-fuelled study are endured, exams are failed, and your student loan runs out. That's disillusionment. Hard work and endurance kick in; desire and tenacity become the norm, and three (or four or five) years later you achieve the goal - a university degree. That's joy.
This cycle of romance, disillusionment and joy is seen in loads of areas of our lives including our friendships and romantic relationships. Some of us find that the beautiful boy, the gorgeous girl, that charming athlete, that talented muso ultimately prove disappointing in some way once the relationship becomes more intimate. Many of us may feel that we reach the end of a string of relationships, worrying that we suffer from terminal dissatisfaction and wondering if we’ll ever find someone who fits.
One of the problems is that during the romance stage, we put our best foot forward, becoming ruthless editors of ourselves, revealing only our highlights to impress our newly acquired admirer. For a short while we may be able to hide the fact that the unabridged version of ourselves may well be funny, clever, and kind but in the full package there also lurks a fair share of laziness, confusion and bad hair days.
As our fledgling relationship dances along it is inevitable that sooner or later we come colliding into the real each other, ouch! In spite of our well-disguised flaws and foibles, we are startled and disappointed at the discovery that the other person has been as good an editor as we are. What was once endearing has its hidden annoyances.
He admired the fact that she was so well informed but is frustrated that she takes longer to read the paper than the publisher takes to print it. She liked it that he was so efficient yet now finds that his efficiency means he is often abrupt which she hates. He admired her persistence but a year down the line wonders why she has to be so stubborn. She once appreciated his frugality but after six months of dating sincerely wishes he would get new clothes.
Romance has changed into disillusionment.
Disillusionment is a normal part of every relationship, just as it is of other dimensions of life. The tragedy is when people stay there, stuck just this side of joy, or exit before they get a chance to experience how good it is on the other side. One way to deal with relational disillusionment is to ask advice from parents, friends, counsellors or respected others whose relationships bear the marks of healthy survival; read books, talk about the problem together and try to be as objective and optimistic as possible while discussing differences. Disillusionment is often the result of false understandings of love. Our culture habitually defines love as a feeling much like the rush of electricity combined with the expectation that, if this love is true and good then this high should be a permanent state. If we measure how ‘real’ love is by the absence of frustrations and the presence of euphoria, I suspect we might find ourselves chasing the impossible.
Disillusionment can also be the result of placing expectations reserved for God onto your relationship and as a wise preacher once said, ‘God is love, do not make a god of your love for each other”. Perhaps we hope that the relationship will heal and comfort, give a sense of purpose, meaning and completeness (who can forget that unforgettable line in Jerry Maguire!?!). Relationships are a fabulous gift from God and we experience his love through them, but primarily we are healed and transformed through our relationship with him. If we look to someone else to perform what only God can do, they will inevitably fall short and it’s hardly fair to blame them.
Does this mean that we should always push through when a relationship gets tough? Definitely not. There are times when it is right to say goodbye and we have ipods full of songs that ache of the pain of this decision. When you are often more sad than happy, when who you are really diminishes rather that flourishes with the other, or when there is a harmful behaviour, this might indicate that the right thing may be to make the hard decision to bid farewell to the relationship.
Often however we do need to persevere if we want to reach the third stage in the cycle – joy. We have to remember that love isn’t just a warm and fuzzy feeling; it is a verb, an act of the will that consistently chooses to put the other before ourselves. We will need to show one another grace and forgiveness and when we do we’ll find these things wipe the record clean and bring fresh hope, added courage and new joy. Before long, this joy will no doubt lead to romance with a new measure of authenticity, and the cycle begins again. The key is recognising that love is a choice, and those who choose to give and to forgive choose to build full and brilliant relationships.
About the author
Sarah is a wee Northern Irish lass who now resides in beautiful Watford. She work with a homeless charity in London and is in the middle of a degree in Counselling. She spends her days listening to the likes of 'The Tallest Man on Earth' and 'Laura Gibson' with her bearded husband, Simon.
Soul Survivor is a Christian charity that puts on events for young people. Our registered charity no. is 1080720. We are also a company limited by guarantee in England & Wales. Our company registered number is 03991111, which is nice. Thanks for caring.
e. info@soulsurvivor.com | t. 0303 333 1 333
Soul Survivor | Unit 2 Paramount Industrial Estate | Sandown Road | Watford | Herts. | UK