Archives: January 2010

I'm breaking up... Help!

On paper, the relationship was all I could have hoped for. He was a really great guy, really involved in church, my family genuinely loved him, my friends thought we belonged together... but it never felt quite right.

The strange thing was not knowing whether that was okay or not.  Was I being unrealistic in hoping for something else? Perhaps ‘true love’ only really existed in the movies and this was as good as it got?

For a while, I convinced myself that things were okay. We carried on dating for a good few years and obviously over this time we became really close, but I had this nagging feeling that it wasn’t all that a relationship should be.

I remember thinking what a relief it would be to wake up the next morning and for it all to be said and done and the relationship over... I just couldn’t bring myself to do it – and didn’t even know HOW to do it.  In the end, I just couldn’t carry the weight of the doubt any more and it ended.

I knew the relationship wasn’t right, I knew it was the best thing to do but it was the most horrible thing I’ve ever been through. Just knowing that you’ve caused that much pain to someone – and knowing that for the last few years you’ve been the person they’ve turned to in their pain, is so desperately sad.

And to top it all off, I really missed him. I was so caught up in this sense of loss and pain that I began to doubt everything and to consider whether in fact this did mean that I loved him and we should be together. 

We met up a few times to chat through what had happened and I was reminded of what a great guy he was. He worked hard to persuade me I’d made a mistake and seemed magically transformed into the person I’d always hoped he would be. He talked openly about his emotions, his broken relationship with his family and most significantly, his relationship with Jesus. He stirred up hopes in me that things could be different, that he could be different.

We ended up tentatively back together, but it wasn’t long before I began to realise that things hadn’t changed. He was still the same person and so was I. All the promises and hopes fell by the way side and this time the break up was more unbearable than the first. More pain, more heartache and the added guilt that it should never happened a second time.

I’d love to say that we sorted out our differences and now we’re really close friends, but that’s not true. And to be honest, I don’t think it’s helpful to think or to hope that you can have a close friendship with someone you’ve had that sort of intimacy with. Sometimes it does happen, but most people cause each other so much pain in the break up that its nigh on impossible. 

As Christians we should be the forerunners in breaking up well; in honouring and protecting each other when relationships don’t work out, in putting our partner first and listening to their needs as well as our own. When relationship just aren't right we need to have the wisdom and kindness to end it well.

I’m now happily with another fella but over the years since I broke up with my ex, I’ve had many friends who’ve gone through similar experiences and seen so many of them make the same mistakes I made. So here are some lessons I’ve learnt along the way (that I wish I’d known earlier):

Know your heart...

Try and put the logic of the relationship (i.e. he’s a hottie) out of your head and listen to your heart: Are you at ease in this relationship? Do you feel safe to be completely yourself? Are you holding out for some time in the future when things will be different/better? If by some divine intervention you were both able to go your separate ways without a big emotional break up, would you be relieved?

If you’re having trouble working out how you feel then try writing it all out. Give a page to all the good things in the relationship and a page to your doubts and worries.  Pray that God would speak to you and prompt you to make the right decision.

Ask for input...

Consider asking your close friends or family what they consider to be the good and bad things about your relationship. Have you changed at all? Do they have any concerns? How do they feel about the way he/she treats you? Sometimes all the hormones and emotions can really muddle up how you’re feeling so you might find a close friend can point something out that you’ve been missing.