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archive: march 2011
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archive: march 2011
help! my parents are church leaders!
Being the child of someone who heads up a church, or is involved in Church leadership can have some pretty intense pressures. Sure there’s some amazing things like being brought up with a knowledge of Jesus and the bible, but there are some fairly tough situations too.
With parents who are supposed to be setting an example to a congregation it’s often the case that much is expected of the ‘vicars kids’. The pressure to find your own faith, to take a lead, to not mess up and to live with constant visitors can prove to be a big deal to anyone.
So, in order to understand this unique experience, we caught up with a few people who’ve grown up as children of church leaders and come through the other side with their faith in tact and their heads screwed on. Here’s some of their experiences (the names have been changed to protect the identities of the innocent)!
what’s different about growing up as the child of a church leader?
“In some ways growing up with parents who are church leaders is no different to any other family… at least for me it’s the norm. From a young age I was used to having people from different walks of life and cultures around as people came to stay and visited us frequently. The upside of this was that I developed a sense of acceptance for all varieties (and there are many!!) of God's people, something that in adulthood I notice and am grateful for. An unusual accent, elaborate dress sense or quirky food ideas are all things I would embrace, and I love that God’s people are so diverse.”
Gertrude
“I guess you don’t go unnoticed… becoming a regular teenager is such a crazy, emotional time – working out what you believe and what makes you tick and how to handle your hormones – without doing it in full view of an entire congregation. All the old ladies in the area seemed to know who I was despite my best efforts to be invisible. “
Betty
was there anything particularly difficult in having a parent who was a church leader?
“I remember a very over zealous missionary cornering a then (soon to become ex!!) boyfriend with a guitar, serenading him with worship songs in a bid to evangelise him. The poor boy had no idea what was happening!
Although it wasn’t terrible the downside of people staying so frequently was that there was a lack of privacy at home and sometimes family time got compromised. If your parents are leading a church, in my experience, the door is always open. For the most part this is fine but sometimes, when you just want to watch TV in your pyjamas, it’s likely there might just be a prayer meeting or counseling session going on! It’s even worse when your Mum tells you (as a teen) that you’re not dressing appropriately and respectably for the person staying!
When your parents are the ones that deal with the crises in people’s lives, and major events, like weddings and funerals I think this can also add a slightly warped perspective on life. Within a given congregation there is always something happening to someone, so you feel as if it’s normal to live in a state of crisis. Mind you, it does give you a great sense of gratitude for the peaceful times!”
Gertrude
“Growing up as the child of a church leader means you get quite a feel for what goes on behind the scenes… and it’s not always nice. All the politics and squabbles you become aware of as a teenager make it pretty hard to not have a fair bit of cynicism by the time you hit your late teens/early twenties.”
Betty
was it easy to make your parents faith your own?
“One thing that I used to struggle with was my own identity in my faith. In truth, this is not something that I could now say was entirely resolved. For as long as I can remember I have believed in God, but I have no idea when this started, which meant that as a teenager, with people who had ‘a story’ I was full of self doubt and questioned that what I had was the real deal. How can you know it’s God if it feels so familiar? This is a question that over time I have continued to struggle with, but God, in his grace has revealed himself more and more. “
Gertrude
“I struggled at my parents church to really feel like I could relax. I was always pretty aware of those around me and preoccupied about how people perceived me in light of my Mum and Dad. It wasn’t really until I moved away and stepped out on my own that it really became my own faith. I guess I just reached a point of pressing in to it and making it my own or walking away. So I stuck with it. I love my Mum and Dad, I’m incredibly grateful for the loving, wise and safe way that they raised me. So many of their values are things I hold close but there’s something so different about choosing God for myself. In the end, their decisions could only ever carry me so far and the rest was up to me.”
Betty
is there anything that is special or any survival tips for people living as a child of a church leader?
Overall, I am grateful for the experience. I love the fact that I can corner my Dad on any theological point and demand an explanation (knowing that he will have spent time considering it!!). I am also hugely glad to have had the opportunity to meet such interesting people from other parts of the world and hear about what God is doing and how differently he works in different areas.
Gertrude
“The big thing I’ve learnt is not to confuse God with God’s people and His church. People are human and make mistakes and as a child of a church leader, you see a lot of this and so it can become easy to get disillusioned with church. But church isn’t God. God is always faithful, slow to judge and abounding in love. Sometimes it’s hard to make that difference but I’ve seen so many people walk away from God when really it’s the church and the people that have done the damage.”
Betty
If you are a the child of a church leader and struggling with your faith or pressure from your parents then try and find someone who you trust, who is a bit older who you can be honest with, share with and maybe even pray with. As these stories show there are great things and also not so great things about being the child of a church leader… maybe even try talking to your mum and dad about it.
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